Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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