Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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