Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
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