We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
