put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
