um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
