Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
