if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
