I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
