I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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