Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
