My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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