i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
