i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
