I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
