I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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