When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm sobbing to NWA
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
