you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
