Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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