Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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