you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize