My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
my liver is dry heaving
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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