he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
