the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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