she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
