I will die if light touches me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
