bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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