I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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