They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
