Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
