I just threw up on my dentist
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
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