Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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