Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
