I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
