Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
