We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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