Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i came on her dog
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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