Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
