I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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