apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There's always time for handjobs
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
