My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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