He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
