The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
