You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
