Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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