You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
