i already hear my dad disowning me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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