its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
