I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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