Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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