Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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