I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
